What Actually Happens in Couples Counselling?

If you're thinking about couples counselling, you may have some idea of what you're hoping will change. Maybe you're tired of having the same argument. Maybe you don't feel heard by your partner. Maybe you've become disconnected and aren't sure how to find your way back to each other. Or maybe things are going well, and you want to invest in your relationship before you have a problem to solve.

But you may also be wondering what actually happens once you walk into the room.

Do you both talk at once? Will I take sides? Will you have to tell me everything about your childhood? Will I teach you how to communicate better?

These are all reasonable questions.

There's no single formula for couples counselling, because every relationship is different. But I can tell you what you can generally expect when we work together.

We start together

Our first session is a couples session. I want to meet both of you and begin to understand what's going on in your relationship.

We'll talk about what's happening now and what has brought you to counselling. We'll also spend some time getting to know the history of your relationship—how you met, what brought you together, what you've been through, and how things have changed over time.

I'll want to understand what each of you is experiencing and what you're hoping might change.

And yes, you may disagree about some of these things.

That's okay.

In fact, understanding those different perspectives is part of the work.

Then I'll meet with each of you individually

After our first couples session, I'll meet with each of you for an individual session. This gives me a chance to gain a deeper understanding of your attachment history and to get to know you a bit better on your own. You may have things that are difficult to say in front of your partner, or experiences you want to make sure I understand.

These sessions aren't about figuring out who's right, gathering evidence against your partner, or deciding who is the problem.

They're about getting to know each of you more fully.

When we come back together, I have a better understanding of both perspectives and of the relationship you're creating together.

From there, we'll continue our work as a couple.

I don't take sides

This is something I want to be very clear about.

In individual counselling, my focus is entirely on understanding you and supporting your individual needs.

In couples counselling, my focus is different.

I'm on the side of the relationship.

That means I hold both of you equally. I'm not there to decide who's right, who started it, or whose feelings are more justified.

Your feelings make sense.

Your partner's feelings make sense.

Even when those feelings seem completely incompatible.

Part of my job is to help us slow things down enough to understand why each of you is responding the way you are—and what is happening between you when you do.

We'll look at the patterns between you

Most couples don't get stuck because they have one bad argument.

They get stuck in a pattern.

One person feels hurt and reaches for their partner. The other feels criticized and pulls away. The first person feels even more alone and tries harder to be heard. The other person withdraws further.

Or perhaps your pattern looks completely different.

Over time, these cycles can become so familiar that they happen almost automatically. You may know exactly what your partner is going to say next. You may even know exactly how you're going to respond before you've consciously decided to.

Rather than simply asking, "How can we stop arguing?", we'll become curious about what's happening underneath the argument.

What is each of you needing?

What are you afraid might happen?

What are you trying to communicate that isn't getting through?

And what is getting in the way of really hearing each other?

Communication is part of the work—but it's not the whole story

Most couples come to counselling saying they need to communicate better.

They're usually right that something about the communication isn't working.

But communication is often where a deeper pattern shows up.

When we feel criticized, dismissed, misunderstood, or alone, it becomes much harder to stay open to what our partner is saying. We defend ourselves. We explain. We shut down. We try harder to be understood.

And our partner may be doing exactly the same thing.

Understanding what's happening beneath the conversation is often what makes new ways of communicating possible.

You can read more about my approach to communication in Most Couples Don't Have a Communication Problem.

So what happens after those first sessions?

From there, our work will depend on what your relationship needs.

We may spend time understanding the patterns you've developed together. We may look at experiences from earlier in the relationship or from your individual histories that are influencing what happens between you now.

We may work on how you express needs, respond to one another, navigate conflict, or reconnect emotionally and physically.

And sometimes the most important work is simply slowing down a conversation that normally moves too quickly for either of you to understand what's actually happening.

The goal isn't to make sure you never disagree.

The goal isn't to make sure you never disagree.

Couples will still disagree.

The goal is to help you understand each other well enough that disagreement doesn't automatically turn into disconnection.

You don't have to arrive knowing exactly what's wrong

You don't need to have the right words for what's happening in your relationship.

You don't have to agree about why you're coming to counselling.

And you don't need to know what needs to change before we begin.

That's part of what we'll figure out together.

My role is to help you make sense of what's happening between you, so that you can begin to understand yourselves and each other in a different way.

Because when two people who have been struggling to feel heard begin to really understand each other, something important can change.

You don't have to agree on who's right to begin hearing each other differently.

A thought to take with you

Couples counselling isn't about figuring out who's right and who's wrong. I don't take sides. You're both right from the perspective of your own experience. Instead, I want to understand what's happening between you: what you're trying to communicate, what you're hoping to accomplish, and whether the way you're approaching it is actually having the effect you're hoping it will.